SHUT UP !!

I hate this week, this day. And pray to God not the next coming weeks nor days. I’ve lost too much last week. I’ve even forgot the whole world, that it was revolving. I spent my days just sleeping and a lot of crying. Things in my hand start to loss their grip, and I’m loosing more than I expected and foreseen. I wish for a genie to come up and give me wishes. I’ll wish to make me number, if I can’t wish to make time go back. It seems there’s no solution to this. No remedy for this too much loneliness. No remedy for the burden. A burden that no matter how I try to unload and ignore, still lives in me. A burden that hangs with me, in me, on me and I think would always be at me.
I tried to forget it. Locked the world behind close doors of the vacant room I’m occupying at night. Try to hungry myself. Feed my eyes too much radiation. Feed my mind too much nonsensical information. And buried my face in the body of my teddy bear, till I forget how to cry. However, I never learned to forget what had happened. Maybe, I was wrong that it isn’t that important. That even if it was gone, I wouldn’t be hurt a bit. I was kind a sure about it. But the horrifying experience was so terrifying. I can still feel the snatchers grip on my hand, the callous hand that hold mine that I guess froze at that very moment same as the world went to it freezing point awaken by the shout of terror that come to my very diaphragm that went out to my own mouth. I hate my neurons at that moment, they reflexes late. They reacted late. They forgot to do their job. They didn’t do their job well. If they could have done, if they could have…. And to tell you the truth I don’t what would really happen. All I could wish was to make the moment go back. If wishing that is too much, please make them understand me for just this while. I need it. I badly need some understandment. If you couldn’t patch the missing, or should I say the LOST, hole, please understand me, that I was dealing with one of the biggest lost and terrifying moment that I had ever went through. You don’t need to cry with me. You don’t need to die with me. I don’t require you to do that, just a LITTLE UNDERSTANDING, until I feel complete again. Until, the word OK applies to me. Until I feel the world again. Until this numbness went out. Until I won’t be needing cigarette in order to face my tyrannous emotions. Until the smoke became unnecessary before I sleep. I don’t want to die because my phone was snatch out of me. Oh please. That could be the most bullshit reason that I could ever hear for suicidal people. Damn! And mostly I’m not suicidal!!!! Crap!!!
It’s just that I wish to end this burden because it so unbearable. I’m sick of this. I can’t live another day having this goddam feeling. I felt I was out of myself. Out of nowhere. I hate this. I totally do. No matter how I write over and over again, this tremor is too much unbearable for my heart and brain to deal with. It’s hard to laugh and much more easier to cry. It’s hard to breathe if you found a reason not to do so. How that was supposed to happen? How come I found the reason not to breathe? How?
I became afraid of walking out, to socialize and to get out of my safe place. It’s as if there’s no safe place in this world and all people came to crush me and hurt me. Do they hate me? Why are they making it to me then? I was hurt at what I thought was my safe place, my happy place. So tell me how could I face the other places? The unknown places? The places I terrified most. Oh stupid!!!
I needed someone to make me happy. I needed someone to hug me. And I needed your kiss. I just needed someone to sit beside me. I just need someone to hug me, and not just a hug coming from my teddy bear. I just need someone to drown with his kiss, that I think the biggest remedy of all. You know what I feel tonight? Extreme unknowness to what’s real. What could I do? I am drown in my fears and phobias. To my problem. To what I am feeling. To my recent jeopardy.
For crying out loud please SHUT UP!!!!
I don’t need your bullshit voice. I don’t need your goddam advices that could be considered as criticize. I am not going to fool my self and believe in you. I am not. SO PLEASE SHUT UP!!!!!

(note:
I am not preferring to anyone here.
Not you, (yeah you, don’t look back, YOU!)
Neither her, nor him.
But if the guiltiness overwhelms you too much, it isn’t my fault man.
I am just an innocent blogger here
And thanks for reading this nonsensical literature of mine.
Ciao!
And have well and bless day!!!
And remember to put a smile on someone, it is widely needed to have a good day.
- xtinacayasa

her she goes again...

I can still fell the adrenaline rushing through my every veins, making their way to be used, to make my hand grab those two and put them back to theirs mother's womb. Where I know, and what I know, can give me peace, or should us say, can give my family PEACE!!



Deozeline Cayasa... no one would understand utnil you start, or atleast try to make them understand you... no two person is in the same shoes. NOONE !!!

i am xtina

I am Xtina (don’t ask me if it’s for real, of course it is not!) I am a human being that’s why I can write like one and act like one. And I am a human being. Period. No special talents, no special marks and no noble man. Just human being. Even in café world at Facebook application I don’t excel. I only rank 7th among my friends.. Forget about it.
I am Xtina, my favorite color is pink and green because they are the color of my nails today. Also black and white, if you consider those two as color, because black is elegant-looking—with a big exceptions to all emo—and white because of its psychological effect.
I like reading. I read all kind of readable materials from books of any type to sachet of shampoos, that’s how gaga I am into reading. But when I get tired of reading I sleep a lot. I sleep at the bed with Mr. Teddy or I sleep at the roof with the picnic mat and a stuffed toy as a pillow. Actually, all my pillows are stuffed toy, namely Jojo, the turtle and Ball, because it’s a soccer ball. I am not bringing Mr. Teddy at the roof because he is afraid of height. (don’t ask why I know it). Then, when I get tired of sleeping, I eat with Jhon Cusack, Selena Gomez, Dexter, the serial killer or anyone from NCIS, CSI or Tom and Jerry and etc.., if I got lucky with our cat boarder—boarding at the back of our TV— whom paying me rent by unplugging always our TV antenna and jump right at the front of TV without saying any excuse nor sorrying for what they have done. And worst, we sometimes shares dinners. But as a person with a good heart I can’t make them go away.
I am xtina and I am good at making mistakes (finally, I found something where I am good at!) Don’t let me enumerate it, or you’ll end up reading a never ending blog, it will be longer than the poem Mahabarata, or something like that I can’t visibly remember. When Olympics or Sea Games have a “Game of Mistake”, Philippine will surely have gold medals if I am the contestant. (if anyone knew how to contact anyone from Olympics and Sea Games officer please suggest them the game that I just have suggested.)
Again, I am xtina and I love oreos and gulps from Seven-Eleven. And I like Ely a LOT.


-ciao!
Iamxtina ?